Finally
“Finally,” I thought to myself as I pushed the last of the 37 bath toys aside and stood under the last bit of hot water my shower head had to offer. That moment, the one I had been waiting for all day, had finally arrived. And I intended to soak it all in. Quickly though, because when 3 people take a shower back to back, the water turns cold awfully fast. I had just finished giving my toddlers their baths, and doing their nighttime routines and I was SO ready for that hot shower. Just like I was ready for that break earlier in the day when their mother (they are my siblings, by the way, but that’s a story for later) came and picked them up for a visit. “Finally,” I thought as I shut the door and they pulled out of the driveway for the first time in over 2 weeks. Covid, and life, had made a visitation with her almost a thing of the past. But finally, the moment came and I was more than ready for it.
After their departure, I did what any sane parent would do and grabbed some food that didn’t require any real thought to prepare, then binge watched my latest addiction of a tv show. This week, it’s Ted Lasso. It was so good to not be anyone’s anything for a few hours. “Refreshing,” is a good way to describe it. But, as moments do, it didn’t last forever and after a few hours of modern “self-care,” it was back to reality. They call me Sis but I fill the role of mom. I coordinate all the activities, show up for all of the events, referee all of the fights, and kiss all of the boo boo’s. I don’t expect praise, I’m just fulfilling my purpose in life. I’ve often heard that the hardest loss to grieve is the loss of a person who isn’t dead. I have found a lot of truth in that, and I have also found that the living person I grieve the most is the person I was before “Sis.”
Some days the guilt really creeps in and consumes me before I can even blink. How dare I dream of a life similar to the one without these two precious beings in it. It’s very easy to get sucked into a cycle of beating myself up, but it’s very hard to go easy on myself. I love my children with every fiber of my being, but some days I miss my freedom. No, being a parent doesn’t mean that someone becomes a prisoner, but a true parent changes their entire life for their children. I used to be able to go, and do, and see anything I wanted on a whim. Now, it takes at least 3 business days to plan a trip and 4 business days to pack for it. I long for the days of independent children who don’t have to rely on me for every little thing, but I know when they arrive I won’t be ready for them. “Finally,” I think to myself as they reach yet another milestone in their lives. But in the back of my mind, I wasn’t prepared for the last time they needed me for something to be the last time. Add this scenario to the list of things parenting books can’t prepare you for.
We spend so much time waiting for that “finally,” moment, that we often forget to live in the current moment. Each time I find myself rushing life to another moment, life has a way of stopping me dead in my tracks. Tonight as I was transferring clothes from the washer to the dryer, I ran across a shirt that had somehow (very easily if I’m being honest) gotten buried at the bottom of the laundry basket. When I picked it up, I recognized it immediately. “Her favorite shirt,” I thought to myself. But from the looks of it, I could tell that it had either gotten shorter or my 2 year old had gotten taller. The last time she wore it would be the last time for her. It wasn’t a “finally,” moment. It was a bittersweet slice of reality slapping me in the face and telling me to stop rushing moment.
Life will happen at it’s own pace, whether it’s the pace we desire or not. I feel like we have two choices; we can either rush it and spend our time just getting through it, or we can embrace it, even if it’s not exactly what we want at the time. So tomorrow, as you pick up your metaphorical favorite shirt, be thankful that it still fits, because there will come a day when it just shrinks right up before your eyes and you’ll think, “finally.”
Peace, love, and blessings friends.
-B
